How to stop comparing yourself to others and make peace with where you’re at
- Janelle Kee-Sue
- May 12
- 8 min read
Do you ever feel like you’re behind in life? We’ve all been there—scrolling through social media, seeing someone we know showing off their perfect life, and suddenly feeling like our own life isn’t quite measuring up.
Whether it’s a friend landing their dream job, a stranger travelling to exotic places from our bucket list, or someone effortlessly achieving what you’ve been working SO BLOODY HARD hard towards, comparing ourselves to others can make us feel a lot of pent up emotions.
This comparison culture is ingrained into us, and it can cause us a lot of suffering if we make it mean something negative about ourselves, instead of using it for inspiration.
There’s good and bad news: ‘compare and despair’ is a learned pattern of thinking and feeling. And just like any habit, it can be broken and replaced with a healthier habit.
Let’s explore why comparison is so addictive, how to break free from it, and the mindset shifts that will help you feel more at peace with your own journey, so you can stop comparing yourself to others and make peace with where you’re at.
Why we compare ourselves to others (and how to break free from it)
Comparison isn’t just something we do—it’s wired into us. Social comparison theory suggests that we naturally evaluate ourselves by looking at others. It’s how we gauge progress, learn social norms, and motivate ourselves.
Since life itself has no set measure of ‘what a good life looks like’, we make up the measurements ourselves by seeing what is possible. This is when we look outside of our own bubbles to see what everyone else is doing, and how we can compare.
But in the age of social media, where we have instant access to everyone’s curated best moments, comparison can become toxic.
Here’s why it’s so hard to stop:
It’s everywhere! Social media, in the workplace, at home, in friendships, even family gatherings can all become opportunities to compare and despair.
It triggers insecurity – We often compare the areas we feel most insecure about, or aren’t going so well in our lives, making us feel even worse.
We’re negatively wired – With in-built negativity bias, instead of being motivated by seeing other people achieve our goals, often we take it as affirmation that supports the belief that we’re not worthy or good enough, leading to feelings of inadequacy rather than motivation.
How can I stop comparing myself to others?
It’s not easy! And there’s no magic pill that’ll make it go away. But here are a few strategies you can use to get started. I encourage you to practice using multiple together for the best results. Pick what resonates with you the most and you feel you can integrate with your life to help it stick.
Limit exposure
If certain accounts, people, or environments trigger comparison, consider unfollowing, muting, or taking a break.
Now, I know this isn’t a great long-term strategy because avoiding things won’t make them go away. However, if it’s too painful right now, then this is a great first step until you’re able to be exposed to triggers without spiraling or having an intense negative reaction to them.
To do this, get aware of your triggers. Then create a plan for limiting your exposure if possible.
Get curious when you’re triggered
Turn comparison into curiosity – instead of thinking, “Why don’t I have that?” get curious. Ask yourself, “Do I actually want that? And WHY?
Notice when you’re being triggered and practice self-awareness and gentle self-reflection to understand why.
Ask yourself what beliefs you hold underneath the surface that are causing you to react this way.
According to cognitive behavioural theory, you can’t change what you’re not aware of.
Observing the thought reduces its power, so this is a great place to start. Oftentimes we want stuff just because other people have it or society tells us we should want it. But what do YOU really want? What would truly make you happy and fulfilled?
Chasing materialistic things will give us satisfaction for a short time, not a long time, for example.
If you still really want it, ask yourself how you can get there. What’s within your power? Then start taking action.
Reframe envy into motivation
Envy isn’t always a bad thing—it can actually be a powerful teacher and motivator. Instead of letting it drain you, use it as a guide and mentor.
Identify what you’re really envious of: Is it the job, the freedom, the confidence? Often, it’s not the exact thing someone has, but the feeling we imagine it gives them.
Let it show you what you truly desire: If you’re jealous of someone’s career, maybe it’s time to explore your own professional growth. If you envy their confidence, perhaps it’s a sign to work on self-belief.
Take action: Instead of staying stuck in envy, use it to create a plan for your own progress. What’s one small step you can take today to get closer to what you want?
Interrupt ‘compare and despair’ thoughts
Once you notice comparison creeping in, try this:
Say to yourself: “This is a ‘compare and despair’ thought. I don’t have to follow it.”
Remind yourself: “Her success doesn’t take away from mine.” “Everyone’s timeline is different.”
Or reframe it: “If they can do it, maybe I can too.”
Why it works: This activates your prefrontal cortex (logic) over your amygdala (emotion), calming the emotional response.
Shift from comparison to compassion
Instead of turning on yourself, focus on turning up the kindness:
Ask: “What would I say to a friend feeling like this?”
Speak to yourself the same way.
Self-compassion (according to Dr. Kristin Neff’s research) is linked to lower anxiety, higher motivation and reduced comparison.
Often we are very hard on ourselves. This causes us to feel unworthy and not enough. But if you look back over your life and everything you’ve experienced and achieved, I guarantee you’ve done a lot!
Practice gratitude for what you have now
It’s human nature for us to always want more. But we’re often not grateful for what we already have. Focus on gratitude to shift your mindset in the moment and remind yourself you actually have achieved so much!
Practise gratitude daily. Shift your focus from what you don’t have to what you do. Every time you catch yourself comparing, list three things you’re grateful for.
Focus on your own values and progress
Focus on your own path by reminding yourself that everyone’s timeline is different. Your journey is unique and unfolding at the right pace, it just may not feel that way.
Make a list of what matters most to you (your values), and write down your goals.
Track your own progress weekly, even in tiny ways.
Celebrate your own wins – Even the small ones. Keep a journal of things you’re proud of, no matter how tiny they seem.
Trust your timeline – Just because someone else is ahead in one area doesn’t mean they have everything figured out. Your journey is unfolding in its own way.
Why it works: This builds internal validation rather than relying on others for self-worth.
Do the inner work (that’s where the gold is)
Comparison often stems from deeper beliefs like:
“I’m not good enough”
“I have to prove myself”
“There’s only one version of success”
Working with a coach or therapist can help shift these beliefs for good. (Psst — this is what we focus on in my She Thrives, my 12-week program 😉)
Hypnotise yourself to rewire your own brain
If you struggle with ‘compare and despair’ by default, it’s likely due to it being a deeply ingrained pattern that’s deep rooted in insecurities and not feeling good enough no matter what.
There may be some childhood trauma or emotional wounds that need healing before you can break the habit. Which hypnotherapy is a powerful and highly effective modality for.
I provide a range of self-hypnosis meditations that you can listen to from the comfort of your own home to re-wire these patterns, shop self-hypnosis recordings here. To take it to the next level, you can book a hypnotherapy session with me online or in person in Wellington New Zealand. Learn more about hypnotherapy.
Create a plan, take action & make it happen
When we’re comparing ourselves to others about the same thing over and over again, it’s a sign that it’s something you really want.
Why not focus on making it happen for yourself, and doing something about it?
There will be instances where you have ‘tried everything and nothing has worked’, but there’s always something else you can do.
There is a lot we can’t control, but there is also a lot we can!
What’s something you can start doing today, or stop doing, that will help you get closer to what you want?
Make it happen!
And if doing what it takes to achieve the goal is too hard and not worth it to you, then perhaps you don’t really want it?
Journaling prompts to stop comparing yourself to others and make peace with where you’re at
These journaling prompts are designed to help you understand and release the habit of comparison, so you can reconnect with your unique path, build inner trust, and thrive in your own beautiful way.
Take your time, be gentle with yourself, and write with honesty and compassion.
When do I notice I’m comparing myself to others the most? (e.g., after scrolling, during work, with friends)
Who do I often compare myself to, and why?
What do they represent to me?
What emotions do I feel when I compare myself to others?
What do these emotions tell me?
What are three recent accomplishments or qualities I’m proud of in myself?
What values matter most to me in life, and how do I live by them?
How would I define success for myself—not based on others, but on what feels fulfilling to me?
What would I say to a friend who was feeling ‘behind’ or ‘not good enough’?
What might be possible if I put more energy into my own growth rather than comparison?
What small, kind action can I take today that’s aligned with my goals and values?
How has my journey been uniquely beautiful or meaningful, even if it doesn’t look like others’?
What is within my power and control to do to achieve my goals?
Final thoughts
Comparison culture can cause a lot of suffering, but you don’t have to let it. By becoming aware of when and why you compare, reframing envy into motivation, and shifting your mindset, you can break free from the cycle and truly appreciate where you are in life.
Your journey is yours alone, and that’s what makes it special! Keep moving forward, trust your growth, and know that you are exactly where you need to be.
You are not behind. You’re not too late. You’re not missing anything.
You’re growing in your own way, at your own pace—and that is more than enough.
If this blog resonated with you, be sure to check out the Finally Thriving Podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts for more conversations on healing, growth, and reclaiming your confidence.🎙️✨
If you want help mastering your mindset, book a free consult with me – I’m a certified life coach, hypnotherapist and accredited cognitive behavioural therapy practitioner who specialises in helping women rebuild their confidence and self-worth after toxic relationships or environments.
Thanks for reading! If you want more, check out my other blogs, follow me on TikTok: @janelle.keesue and Instagram: @janellekeesue.coaching
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