How to heal the ‘fawn’ response & say no to people-pleasing

If you’ve ever said “yes” when every part of you wanted to say “no,” you might be caught in a cycle of people-pleasing. 

While it can look like kindness on the surface, people-pleasing often comes from the fawn response—a survival pattern wired into your nervous system.

In this guide, you’ll learn how to recognise people-pleasing behaviour, understand the fawn response, heal the root of these patterns, say no with confidence, and cope with the guilt that often comes with setting boundaries.

What is the fawn response?

The fawn response is one of the body’s survival instincts, alongside fight, flight, and freeze.

 Instead of confronting or avoiding danger, fawning looks like appeasing others to stay safe.

For many, it begins in childhood when pleasing caregivers or avoiding conflict feels like the only way to earn love, attention, or safety. 

As adults, this turns into chronic people-pleasing, which includes putting others’ needs ahead of your own, staying silent to avoid rejection and sacrificing your wellbeing for approval.

The fawn response is a trauma response characterized by people-pleasing, appeasement, and the abandonment of one's own needs to placate a perceived threat or source of power.

It's called the "fawn" response because it involves appeasing a person or threat to avoid conflict or danger, similar to how a young deer (a fawn) might appear non-threatening or pleasing to a predator to ensure its own safety.

Coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker, it's a survival mechanism, especially common after chronic childhood abuse or neglect, where individuals learn that their safety or love depends on constantly pleasing others. 

Symptoms include difficulty saying no, agreeing with others, prioritising others' needs, and an inability to express true feelings.

Recognizing and understanding the fawn response is the first step toward healing, building authentic relationships, and reclaiming agency.

The good news? The fawn response is not permanent. You can retrain your nervous system and build new, healthier ways of relating to others.

Recognising your people-pleasing patterns

The first step to change is recognising where people-pleasing shows up in your life. 

Common fawn behaviours include:

• Saying yes to requests when you’re already overwhelmed.

• Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations.

• Over-apologising, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.

• Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings or moods.

• Struggling to make decisions because you want to keep everyone happy.

Ask yourself: Where do these patterns appear most? At work, in friendships, with family, or romantic relationships? 

Awareness helps you break the cycle.

The nervous system and people-pleasing

Understanding your nervous system is key to stopping people-pleasing. 

When your brain perceives rejection or conflict as a threat, your body goes into survival mode. 

This can include ‘fight, flight or freeze or fawn.’ The fawn response, ‘Fawning’, becomes a way to self-soothe and keep the peace. 

To reprogram your nervous system, try practices like:

• Breathwork – deep belly breathing to calm stress responses and regulate the nervous system.

• Grounding exercises – feeling your feet on the floor, or noticing sensations in your body.

• Somatic work – such as Havening (reprocessing trauma/trauma responses), and other body-based modalities.

These practices help signal to your body: I am safe to speak up, set boundaries, and be myself.

Healing the root of people-pleasing

People-pleasing isn’t just a habit, it’s often a learned belief that your worth comes from keeping others happy.

Healing the root cause often involves:

• Inner child work: understanding where your fawn response started. Hypnotherapy is a great tool for this.

• Challenging limiting beliefs: replacing “I must please everyone” with “I deserve to take up space.” Working with a coach is a wonderful way to get aware of this, and change these beliefs.

• Hypnotherapy or coaching: reprogramming subconscious patterns that drive self-sacrifice through neuroplasticity. Learn more here.

• Somatic work: such as Havening (reprocessing trauma/trauma responses), and other body-based modalities like yoga. Learn more about Havening here.

• Self-compassion: practising kindness towards yourself instead of criticism.

After healing the root cause of people-pleasing and the fawn response, there are other tools that can be used, which I cover in this blog: How to stop being a people-pleaser and put yourself first. 

Healing takes time, but every step helps you reconnect with your authentic self and stop living for approval.

For help with healing the fawn response and people-pleasing tendencies, book a free consult with me. This is what I help my clients with! View my coaching packages here. 

How to say no gracefully

Learning how to say no is essential for breaking free from people-pleasing. The key is keeping your “no” simple, respectful, and clear—without over-explaining.

Examples:

• “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t commit to that right now.”

• “I really appreciate the offer, but I’ll have to pass this time.”

• “That doesn’t work for me, but I hope it goes well.”

The only people who have a problem with you having boundaries and saying no are those who benefit from you having none. Remember that! 

People will always be disappointed when they don’t get their way. Remember that you are equally as important as they are, and no one will respect your boundaries until you do. 

Practice saying no in small, low-stakes situations so it feels easier when bigger requests come up.

For more tips on how to set boundaries and say no, check out my blog post: How to set boundaries (and say no!)

How to cope with guilt after saying no

When you first start setting boundaries, it’s normal to feel guilty. Your brain is used to equating pleasing others with safety, remember? 

Your brain wants you to keep doing things the way you’ve always done it, and guilt is a way of bringing you back into similar patterns. 

It’s important to let yourself feel the guilt and stick to your guns despite the fact. 

Here’s how to manage guilt so it doesn’t hold you back:

• Reframe guilt as growth: Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it means you’re stepping into new territory and breaking a pattern.

• Sit with the discomfort: The more you practice, the less intense guilt will feel over time.

• Focus on the bigger picture: Every “no” frees up time and energy for the things that truly matter to you.

• Celebrate small wins: Track how saying no improves your wellbeing, confidence, and relationships.

• Process guilt through havening: Use havening techniques such as stroking the arms, hands or face, while thinking about your feelings to signal safety to the nervous system to process how you’re feeling and transform it. 

Over time, guilt fades and is replaced by empowerment and peace.

Final thoughts

People-pleasing and the fawn response may have helped you survive in the past, but they don’t have to define your future. 

By recognising your patterns, healing the root causes, learning how to say no, and working through guilt, you can create healthier relationships and live authentically.

You deserve to take up space. You deserve to say no without guilt. And you deserve a life where your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s.

Ready to go deeper and rewire people-pleasing for good?

If you’ve found this interesting and useful, imagine what could shift when you stop just understanding the problem—and start reprogramming it at the subconscious level.

Book your free consultation with me to work together 1:1, or do it yourself while being fully supported with the Stop People-Pleasing, Set Boundaries & Say No Self-Hypnosis Program.

It’s an empowering audio-based experience to transform from people-pleasing to have the confidence to say no—morning and night.

What you’ll get: 

✅ Morning Self-Hypnosis Audio – Start your day with confidence, clarity, and a supportive inner voice that has your back.

✅ Evening Self-Hypnosis Audio – Wind down, release self-judgment, and rewire your inner world while you rest.

✅ Guided Journaling Prompts – Go beyond surface-level thinking and shift old stories that fuel people-pleasing.

✅ Proven Mindset Exercises – Tools grounded in neuroscience and NLP to build lasting self-trust and inner calm.

➡️~Learn more and start the program here. 

If this blog resonated with you, be sure to check out the Finally Thriving Podcast on Spotify and Apple Podcasts for more conversations on healing, growth, and reclaiming your confidence.🎙️✨

Thanks for reading! If you want more, check out my other blogs, follow me on TikTok: @janelle.keesue and Instagram: @janellekeesue.coaching 

About the Author

Janelle Kee-Sue is a Transformational Coach, Hypnotherapist, NLP and Somatic Practitioner, and the host of the Finally Thriving podcast. Based in Wellington, New Zealand, Janelle specialises in helping women of all ages rebuild their confidence and self-worth—especially after toxic relationships, workplaces, or experiences that left them questioning their value.

Combining the power of the subconscious mind with science-backed tools for fast and long-lasting transformation, she empowers her clients to overcome anxiety, people-pleasing, low self-esteem, negative body image, and limiting beliefs and habits in record time so they can feel confident, calm, and in control of their lives again. 

When she’s not guiding her clients through powerful life-changing shifts, you’ll find her at reformer Pilates, writing her first novel, or enjoying quiet moments with her husband Ricky and their fluffy Samoyed sidekick, Zeus.